Sunday, October 16, 2016

The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 6}

From reading this experience of mine, I hope you are enjoying the read and have inspired you to begin your own meditation practice.

Day 6
I woke up feeling dizzy and defeated, but yet cheerful – odd, I know. I had been feeling dizzy and nauseated since day 5. I thought I was getting sick again or something was definitely wrong with me that I may need to be hospitalized (goodness, that sounds dramatic). I honestly don’t know which was worse not being able to breathe during meditation on day 2 because of sickness or meditating while feeling dizzy and nauseated all day long. I had to learn to adjust to the changes in how I felt from days 2 to 6. My focus was the comparison of those distinctly different feelings.

I didn’t have much to eat all day because of my preoccupation with how I felt. I had to force myself to eat so I would have some kind of energy throughout the day. However, day 6 was absolutely my favorite day thus far because by mid-afternoon -- viola -- God graced His presence upon me. I was finally able to meditate: I sat for an hour with slight movement and flowed with my breath. I felt victoriously joyful and liberated while tearfully blissful for being able to accomplish Vipassana Meditation. The best way I can explain the sensations are lightness: the entirety of my surroundings were bright, my body was slightly warm all over and I was moving gracefully. My mind was clear from monkey mind chatter and I felt like I was glowing. Coincidentally, was I was wearing a Rocky T-shirt featuring the scene after his run up to the monument where he had his arms up like he’d won.

That’s how I felt.

Lesson from Discourse:
The one thing that stuck out during his sermon was that you can love your mate so deeply but still be detached. In past relationships, my experience has been that you will lose yourself being with someone. Don’t get me wrong, I learned from a few and the rest I was left hanging. All of these were my fault for sure because each time I let myself get lost. That’s what happens when you put others before yourself because of craving and aversion of bad habits. The sensations of pleasant and unpleasant were my choice of suffering without any understanding of my emotions.

Each and every time, I enjoyed being with someone thinking that each of those past men at their time were the ONE. Those were the pleasant moments, the ones where I thought that this time, it could be love. I was blinded by all the cravings, aversion, the mental and physical depletion, and self-doubts. Truth be told I thought those were normal outcomes all the freaking time as well as the consequences I’ve put myself through. Now looking back, I laugh at myself for putting myself in those situations. I was very naive and inexperienced in the beautiful struggle of life; others can be cruel with no empathy nor compassion for others. I thought everyone has those mental and emotional depletions too; I was wrong.

As Wayne Dyer said: “Work at being content with who you are, rather than pleasing others by being inauthentic. Say to yourself, ‘I am what I am, and it is okay as long as I am not hurting anyone else in the process.’ “

You don’t have to apologize for anything or anyone. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for anything that you are.

Craving is a fire that will keep on burning, no matter what fuels it. It takes you away from being peaceful. By learning to be aware of all the feelings within and to remain equanimous towards them, only then you can stop the fire before it starts again. Then and only then you can come out of misery.

The Divine in me honors the Divine in You. I recognize my true essence in every soul I meet. I am you, you are me and we are one.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 4 & 5}

              The Meditation Center
As my continuous effort to share my 10-day meditation with you. Here are the rest of my days. I hope you learn something about yourself while reading these blogs.

Day 4 
I woke up feeling blank -- no thoughts or emotion, but by mid-afternoon, I was feeling frustrated again. Just when I thought I was getting the breath right, I didn’t. Also, I couldn’t sit still; for someone with a little A.D.D stillness isn’t possible. I had been meditating for four days, twelve hours a day, which isn’t really the typical day for me. I typically am either in front of the TV watching movies or shows on Netflix. Stillness and observing the mind and following the breath isn’t the practice I do all the time. Twelve hours of sitting down, one hour at a time with 5-10 mins break in between make YogiWonders a frustrated meditative practitioner. But by the end of the night, I was able to focus and get some clarity of how the meditation is done. Without any judgment and feeling disappointed I needed to be more patient with myself and be one with breath.

Lesson from Discourse:
Because we are so ignorant about our situations our misery multiplies and we wonder why we are always stuck in the same freaking situation and that we never move away from it. When I thought I got the breathing down they added another technique which kind of made me frustrated because after getting something down another came up. So while breathing was my main focus we were told to now observe the sensation on your body from head to toe. Sensations included such physical feelings like itching, throbbing, crawling, sweating, etc. and the trick was that you can’t go back to another part of your body once your attention had passed it. So if your ears started to itch while you were observing your knees, no can do. You must keep moving forward. I’m sure you see the lesson there. By focusing on the sensation on your body this helps you retract your mind to focusing on the pain -- the pain of sitting for an hour for a slight moment. Also if you didn’t feel a sensation of a particular part of your body we were not to go craving it or wanting to feel something there. Another lesson, right!

Day 5
I woke up with my ego thinking I was the shit because I finally was able to get the breathing down; oh was I wrong. By mid-afternoon, I started feeling dizzy and nauseated and I was getting impatient haha. I had to tell myself that’s what I got for being an egotistical fool -- thinking I was the cheese nits. My appetite wasn’t intact and I was worried because dinner was at 5 p.m. and all we had was fruit. With bedtime at 10 p.m., so you can imagine that I was scared of starvation! Haha poor me. But it was very hard to focus when feeling dizzy and wanting to throw up. Then I began feeling indifferent about things as though I was seeing and feeling things in a different lens. It was much harder to focus for sure. However, by the end of the night, I was able to start flowing with my breath. I began feeling the heat all over my body which is hard to do, for me at least, because I am always cold so this was great. Because my body was in so much heat I was burning so many calories that I was starving at the end of meditation. I was confused at first because I thought something was wrong haha.

Lesson from Discourse:
I learned about the four types of attachment that keeps coming back to our life and makes us miserable all the time. First is the desires and the bad habit of craving. Second is clinging to “I” and “mine.” Third is the craving for sensations, pleasant or unpleasant. The fourth is suffering: our tendency to hold on to that pain that does not really exist. We make such a huge deal about it because it’s what we’ve only known to do. We become ignorant and believe that we can’t change our ways. What you put out to the universe is what you will receive. Your mind is such a powerful tool when you put it to good use of kindness and love. It’s a practice.

I am a being -- a soul broken into pieces but brave enough to glue myself back and be as transparent as I can. In doing so, this beautiful struggle of life doesn’t seem so hard to live with.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see the true essence of every soul I met. I am you, you are me, and we are one 

Sunday, September 25, 2016

The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 2 & 3}

                 Lake View
I hope you enjoyed reading the introduction and Day 1 of my 10 Day Meditation Experience. Here are more...

Day 2 
Woken up at 4 a.m. by the morning bell, I was coughing and by mid-afternoon I was frustrated because I couldn’t manage to get the breathing meditation down. Imagine practicing a breathing meditation when you can’t breathe through your nose. I believe the Day 1 experience caused me to get sick because I was getting my body to be at the same level as my mind, equanimity. This is when it finally clicked for me that my mind is really stronger than my body. I’ve been told that countless times before but come on when you don’t experience it yourself that shit isn’t true. It only becomes true when you, yourself have experienced it. It is then that is true and only true to you and for you.  Somehow the communications between my mind and my body were not synced. My mind wanted to get the meditation down because I was forcing my breath so that I could learn to follow it.

One of the techniques we were told to practice was Force breathing. The best example I can explain is when you go for a quick run and in the process start panting, then that’s when you feel the flow the breath. With the determination of the mind, it forced my body to go unbalance, hence I got sick. I stressed my body so much just by doing this meditation that I got sick from it. Picture the frustration.

Lesson from Discourse:
It wasn’t a pretty Day 2 for me. I was a frustrated wreck. I began feeling feverish and when I’m sick I get to a stage where I begin feeling unworthy and unwanted. I start wondering why my life is so fucked up, comparing my life to other people and begin judging myself. To combat this, I start a story in my head where my life is so wonderful and things are heading where I want it to be. Actually this is how I feel when I become sick and it can last for an extended time; this sickness lasted for 2 weeks but my mind kept its distance which was, and continued to be, great.

There was something Goenka said that confirmed what I do. I’m phrasing this in my own words but he said something like it doesn’t matter how the tone of your voice sounds but what matters is did you say it out of the kindness of your heart or your what your mind intended it to mean? If so, then it should be okay. This was one of the reasons why I started holding back except when I was drunk but i had stopped drinking almost 2 years now because shit has come out of my mouth and I would not apologize for anything. No matter how others interpret the words for themselves.

My tone does not determine my attitude towards you, your assumption to my tone is your attitude towards yourself.


Day 3 
I woke up sick and by mid-afternoon I was crying while speaking to the assistance teachers because I needed some Tylenol. I never expected to get sick. I was having fever symptoms with the coughing. Of course, no surprise here, I was crying in front of the teachers and told them I wanted the Tylenol because I wanted to make it through the 10 days. I wanted to find out what’s at the end of the 10 days. They told me not to expect anything but to focus on the now. I heard them and I knew there were lessons to take out of every single day. Sick and crying, I was happy by the end of the day because I was able to finally follow my breath; not perfect but manageable.

Lesson from Discourse:
That night Goenka talked about experiencing the truth within yourself from the most subtle to the grossest experience you’ve encountered. I started crying when I heard this because I felt like such a horrible and evil person thinking back to the things I’ve done. I always thought I was a good person but because believing that shame + guilt = fear, it made me rethink whether I’m good or not. I thought that this was the truth but I’m just not where I am today. Now I know that I was being hard on myself regardless of the situation. Plus God only created perfect beings; he does not make mistakes.


We create a lot of illusions for ourselves; one example is physical beauty. Beauty is an illusion. It is superficial, deceptive reality and not ultimate truth. An example Goenka spoke of was when you tell your spouse she has beautiful hair but then when dinner is being served there is a piece of hair on your food and you of course are grossed out. How is that when a moment ago you spoke of her hair so tenderly and now it’s gross? I thought the thought was hilarious because it’s true.

I hope this gives you some light to your life.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see my true essence in every soul I met. You are me, I am you, and we are one.

<3 Namaste

Sunday, September 18, 2016

The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 1}

It was Aiza Cathe, my best friend and soulmate, who told me about the 10-day silent meditation in North Fork, CA, but the idea was something I had wanted to do for years. The best time to go, I decided, is when your life seems at a halt. I did not read much about this particular retreat or research what it’s about but decided to do it anyway. Most of the things I do I just do without researching because it kills the mystery for me -- even if the mystery sometimes makes me feel miserable. I’m in it for the lessons. All I read is the “About” section of the website Dhamma for the meditation and noted what not to bring. Attendees were to bring warm clothing, but no see-through or tight clothes; (there went my yoga outfits -- blah). Additional “not to bring” items included journals, writing pads, tape recorders, phone or electronics -- just wonderful!

The drive there was nice but at the same time emotional; I was tearing up as I got closer to the location. I really didn’t understand the emotions. When I arrived I checked in, noting that the weather was hot. I introduced myself to my roommates: 13 girls, including me. At the orientation, we were told to practice noble silence, which meant no talking to anyone unless it’s necessary (we could speak to the managers of the facility), no looking into someone’s eyes or any versions of communication, not even a smile. Let’s begin!!!

Day 1 
I knew I would have a hard time sleeping because I was excited to start the unknown. And I was right; I woke up at 2 am and woke up with a panic attack. I have never felt or experienced panic attack in my life before; now I can add it to my collection of emotions. It was a quick attack and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. But it passed. Then we were woken up by the 4 a.m. bell, which sounded almost like a gong, to begin our day and meditation. I learned about this breathing exercise before but I’ve never had patience for it. But this time there was not much I could do but to actually practice it.  This meditation is called “Anapana” or awareness of respiration or breath. To follow your breath without changing it, was or seemed impossible at the time of practice. It basically felt like chasing someone you can’t catch or trying to pick up a call that’s on the floor but you keep kicking further as you get closer to the ball. Imagine the frustration and determination for me to get the damn breath down.

This meditation focuses only on breath: no mantras, no chanting, no music, no symbolism. Which means it was me, myself and I in my own head. Just writing this and recalling that intimacy with self-makes me teary-eyed -- and I’m at the library finishing this blog.

Lesson from Discourse:
All of me was in my head. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The good was in the background listening and observing every thought that walked by. The bad stirred things up and had no shame, nor guilt. And the ugly just fueled the bad even more. Although the good was observing she began feeling shattered emotions, blasts from the past. Some of my impurities and miseries began surfacing.

From the discourse summary book of S.N Goenka: “You have come to this meditation course to learn the art of living: how to live peacefully and harmoniously within oneself, and to generate peace and harmony for all others; how to live happily from day to day while progressing towards the highest happiness of a totally pure mind, a mind filled with disinterested love, with compassion, with joy at the success of others, with equanimity.”


Before we can live harmoniously we must deal with the disharmony within ourselves. 

Coming soon day 2 & 3 experiences,

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see my true essence in every soul I met. I am you, you are me and we are one. 
<3 Namaste

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

When we were young...

My dearest You,
I promise not to be scared the next time you surface. Know that i never abandoned you, i didn't know how to handle you then but i am ready for you now. I feared of what you were capable of doing and the being you will become. You were uninhibited, carefree and unstoppable. The world is ready for you
You are my soul mate, my best friend and the love that i never got to know. I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have met you even for a split moment. Meeting you yesterday was timeless and that is what you will become. I am ready for you and the pain and suffering will stop. I'm just glad someone else met you and not just me for the sake of my sanity. You were someone i used to know, now only time will tell and i will know you for the rest of my life.

"Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swore you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me"

Love,
Me

Friday, August 26, 2016

Final Part of 5 Yoga Poses to Practice without Looking Stupid

While working your poses, leaning against the wall can be helpful. Here are 5 poses to help with stretching and loosening the lower half of your body. These poses are extremely easy to do.  Combining these yoga poses with those in Part 2 will be beneficial for your flexibility.

Materials: wall
Breath: Inhale and Exhale equal one set of breath.

1)          QUAD STRETCH
  




Position: Kneel next to a wall. Step your right foot forward while the left knee is on the floor. Now have your left shin and foot pressed against the wall --slowly and gently walking the right foot back while sliding the back knee to the wall. Right foot is at a 90-degree angle.

Once you have positioned yourself properly, if the range of motion permits lean back with the arms up towards the wall this will give you a more stretch. Be sure to stretch both quads.

Benefit: Stretches the quad, hips, hip flexor and thighs and can relieve pain associated with sciatica.

Breath: Hold for 5 - 10 sets of breath. Repeat with the other side.


2)         BUTTERFLY




Position: Place your butt as close to the wall as you can. Then bring the soles of your feet together. Knees are spread as wide as you can. Lower your feet as close to your groin then push your knees towards the wall.

Benefit: Stretches the inner thighs, increases a range of motion in the hips and improves digestion.

Breath: Hold for 5 - 10 sets of breath.

3)         BABY POSE



  Position: Stay in the same position as #2. Then place the soles of the feet on the wall wider than your hips. Then slide your feet lower until comfortable or when you begin feeling the stretch on your hips and inner thighs. Stay in that position.

Benefit: Opens the hips, inner thigh and groin. Relieves lower back and sacrum.

Breath: Hold for 5 - 10 sets of breath.


4)         RECLINING PIGEON
       

    
Position: Stay in the same posture as #3. Now cross your right ankle over your left knee. Then slide your left foot to the center of your body while your right foot is still placed on the wall. For a deeper stretch, you may push your right foot towards your chest. 

Benefits: Stretches the hamstrings, lower butt, and hips. Relieves lower back pain.

Breath: Hold for 5 - 10 sets of breath.


5)         LEG AGAINST THE WALL 



Position: Stay in the same position as #4. Bring your legs straight up. Feet are flexed. If the range of motion is limited feel free to bend your knees.

Benefit: Relieves lower back pain. Boosts Energy. Soothes menstrual cramps. Calms the mind and eases anxiety and stress.

Breath: Stay in this posture as long as you please.


These poses are very passive yet effective. I’ve suggested holding the poses for 5 to 10 breaths. However, if you’d like to stay in with the pose longer please feel free to do so. This is your practice; I am here to guide you.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see the true essences in every soul I meet. You are me, I am you and we are one. Namaste.




Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Redic Yoga Poses for Fun


The journey begins with the 2,100 Asana The complete Yoga Poses by Daniel Lacedar. My adventure to explore poses am physically challenge haha

 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Avoid justifying wrongness

A few weeks ago I got into my head. I was taking a communication course and I didn't want to attend because I knew the answer to my insanity was in the course and when I finally sucked it up and went to class and behold I was fuckin right. The answers was there clear as day (well after i asked the supervisor to clear it up for me) and the most interesting part is that I was holding on to the wrong idea the whole time. I was wrong for thinking that the wrong intention was right; and the right thought of going to class was wrong. Basically, i was wrong at thinking i was right and right at thinking i was wrong. You want think you are right even you know its wrong, wrong because its hurtful to someone other than yourself. So I was holding on to all my wrongness the whole time. I was wrong for thinking I was right but I was right for thinking I was wrong. Thinking you are right and trying to justify it to be right even though you know it is wrong.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

I cried on my mat

After being sick with the stomach flu for the first time for two days my body couldn't handle the pain. It was weak, intorrerable of movements, and the constant walk to the bathroom and the inconsistent chills my body felt that made my kneel on the floor the cried. Suited up with two jackets, sweats and two pairs of sucks and the 2 Tylenol, blankets and I was out.
I woke up to eat which I wanted to throw it up after but ate it anyway.
I woke up feeling fine this morning, I even had the energy to tidy up a bit. Then I had the urge to practice yoga. Once I stepped on my mat in child pose I began to cry or I should say bawled. I was crying while I began going through the Sun Salutation A and I managed to do 2 sets and back to child pose again all these while I was crying. I am not sure how I managed but I did. He loveliest part is that I don't know why I was crying. I guess the same when I'm happy for no reasons either.
Then I managed to sit in lotus in meditation for a bit probably not even a minute but I calm down. I met a lady last week and gave me a wonderful talk and somehow what she said stuck with me. Giving me the permission to do a pose for a few minutes on my mat. I guess it's the permission I had to give myself and not the excuses I've been giving myself. I will learn a lot from her. Namaste Jacki.
And the Logo that made it all alright.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

{Part 3} 5 Yoga Poses to practice without looking stupid

After taking you through easy stretches and in hope that your flexibility has slightly improved since Part 2 of Yoga Poses to Practice Without Looking Stupid. In Part 3 we will be working on a few intermediate yoga poses. Even though I said intermediate trust me it’s easy: once again you will have the help of the wall. When you practice this consistently you will be able to do them without the wall and with correct alignment and postures.

Materials: Yoga block or book or a chair and wall.
Breath: Inhale and Exhale are considered as one set of breath.

1.  WARRIOR II {VIRABHADRASANA II}


              C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0360-1.jpg     C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0364-1.jpg

Position: Stand with your heels against the wall, spread your feet apart as wide as you can. Start with right side, pivot the pinky toe against the wall and bend the knee. Bring arms to shoulder level, turn head toward the bent knee.

Alignment: Right heel is aligned with the back arch of the opposite foot. Right knee and hip leans on the wall, knee and ankle are stacked together. Pull heart forward, engage core and press against the wall. Push through the outer edge of the back feet and tighten thigh. Then lengthen your shoulder by rolling it up back and down.

Benefit: Strengthens and stretches legs and ankles. Increases stamina. Good for sciatica stretch, flat feet, infertility and osteoporosis.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

2.  REVERSE WARRIOR {VIPARITA VIRABHADRASANA}


C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0345-1.jpg

Position: Keeping the Warrior II position, glide your back hand to your back knee, thigh or hips, depending on your range of motion. Front follows as you reach up and lean back.

Alignment: Stay in the same alignment at Warrior II plus hips and shoulders are pressed against the wall, core engaged. Thumb is against the wall; keep your gaze up. If this strains the knee, look down.

Benefit: Lengthen and stretches the side body. Improves balance and mobility of spine.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

3.  WARRIOR III {VIRABHADRASANA III}

C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0346-1.jpg

C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0348-1.jpg

Position: Stand with your side by the wall. With a slight bend on the knees slowly lift your right leg up. At the same time extend and lengthen your torso forward and toward the floor. Clap your hand together; stretch and lengthen.

Alignment: Left foot is planted on the floor. Right leg, hips, torso, and arms are horizontally aligned. Biceps are pressed by the ears, back leg toes point towards the floor. Core and legs are flexed. Look at your toes

Benefit: Helps with balance. Strengthens legs, back and ankle.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

4.       HALF MOON {ARDHA CANDRASANA}

C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0349-1.jpg

C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0351-1.jpg

Position: Stay in the Warrior III position. Slowly lower left hand to the floor using the wall as a support, use a yoga block or chair. Right hand glides up parallel to the opposite hand.

Alignment: Left foot planted on the floor. Press shoulder, back, butt, arms and leg against the wall. Flex the entire body for more support.

Benefit: Helps with lower back pain. Strengthens back, legs, hips and abdomen. Increases flexibility of spinal muscles. Eases premenstrual pressure.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

5.   EXTENDED SIDE TRIANGLE {UTTHITA TRIKONASANA}

C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0361-1.jpg


C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0354-1.jpg

C:\Users\User\Desktop\Part 3 Stupid Yoga\GOPR0353-1.jpg

Position: Stand against the wall in the Tadasana pose from Part 1. Stand with heels against the wall. Separate feet apart as wide as you can. Start with the right side, pivot the pinky toe against the wall. Both legs are kept straight. Arms are extended shoulder level. Slowly glide right hand down to your chin while aligned with the other hand.

Alignment: Right pinky toe and back heel are pressed against the wall. Lean shoulder, back, butt, arms and leg on the wall. Flex the entire body for more support.

Benefit: Helps relieve stress and anxiety; improves digestion; stretches the hips, groins, hamstrings and calves.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I recognize my true essence in every soul I meet. I am you, you are me, and we are one. 
<3 Namaste <3


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Self-sabotaging Phase of Life

The past few weeks I have been torturing myself, most definitely self-sabotaging because I have been on a frenzy of why the fuck do I people please. After reading my friend and mentor Erin Lauvick blog, I feel the need to express my sadness. I have been hating on myself because I know what it’s like to be rejected and this is why I it’s difficult for me to be so honest with anyone because I hate for them to feel the rejection. The rejection I’ve felt my childhood. I didn’t fit in so I made myself fit in the mold. The mold that I want meant to fit in at all.

I know I have codependency issues and I have wanted to be rid of it for years. The worst part of it is I don’t like to reach out to anyone because I am afraid of being found out. Found out that I’m not this person that everyone sees me as. Everything is a puzzle that’s put together but it’s not who I am. I know that because I don’t even know who I really am. I’m the result of all my short comings, my mistakes, my pains, my unlovable attitude but I also am the good I’ve done, those people I’ve made laugh or smile and many more. If I can put those in a cylinder shake they as hard as I can will all things that bad sink at the bottom and everything will float or will it just drown me.

Just because you’ve seen me at my best I don’t mean I will always be at my best. I have my moment of despair and not everyone will show it but oh I will. Don’t take it as my weakness because I’m showing my emotions. I don’t matter what emotions you are showing it’s a part of you. Embrace the shit out of it because accepting them can improve your life. It may take time because you will only BE when you are ready to accept to grow. This is why I am having a hard time because it’s hard for me to accept but accepting it means growing and learning.

I just want to grow. I heard on the tv once “never change only grow” I’ve always aim for growth but I can never get used to how this journey really is and feels. I have so many demons inside me that I can’t even say things out loud not even to myself. The feeling of shame and guilt just kills me so very softly and slowly.

It’s so pathetic that I feel this way even at this age and I am tired of pleasing people and hurting this way. I know I should always say what I feel because in all honesty I’m hurting more, more than the person that should hear what I have to say. I just don’t have the courage to hurt the person intentionally.

It’s amazing that I can only recall one event in my life time that I fell apart before this journey I am taking. It’s not clear as to why I was on the floor in my bathroom crying. I just remember Jason in front of me saying nothing but just being there. I don’t even remember if I even thank him for that night. That was the last time I broke down badly.

Now that I am in this journey – it’s a never ending roller coaster ride to emotional and vulnerable feelings. It’s not that I’m ashamed to show others I’m crying it’s just I don’t want to be seen.

When others sees you as this joyful person or aggressive person and when others don’t see you as that something is wrong. But it’s not always true because I like the silence, the peace and the fact that my mind isn’t running a hundred miles a minute wasting energy on something so minuscule and useless.


Dear God guide me and keep me moving forward in this path you have for me for I know that I will be better than where I am at right now.  You keep blessing me with these wonderful opportunities and lessons I must learn along the way. Give me the courage and resilience to stand on my own belief and integrity.  Keep me grounded with all the chaos that goes on in me. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

Transitions


This year has been a lot to handle transition after transition after transition. If you're looking from the outside my life may seem troublesome that's because I'm fighting demon within me. It’s eating me from the inside out.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

{Part 2} 5 Yoga Poses to practice without looking stupid


I will cover easy postures that can be incorporated and aid from the previous blog. These poses will help with flexibility and are helpful stretches to include in your daily routine.

Please be aware of your body’s needs and current limitation to avoid any injuries.  Keep in mind any discomfort and always remember to breathe through these sensations because dexterity is on its way.

Breathing sequences are deep inhale and exhale, which are considered as one set of breath.
Materials: Wall and Chair


1)      CAT & COW POSE



Position: Stand facing the wall in a plank position. Hands are pressed on the wall and fingers are spread apart.

Alignment: Hands are shoulder distance apart and knuckles pressed to the wall. Eye of the elbow facing each other. Feet are hip width apart. Shoulders are away from ears.

Effort: Shoulders and eyes of the elbows stay firm. Engage leg by pulling your knee cap up to your thighs. Dome upper back by pushing the wall away and shoulders rolling in, suck stomach in and gaze at bellybutton.  Then stick butt out and pull heart forward, again while keeping hands straight and sucking the stomach in.

Benefit: Stretches the front torso, upper back, neck and lower back.

Breath:  7 Deep inhales for Cat pose into 7 deep exhales for cow pose.


2)     HIGH TO LOW PLANK / CHATURANGA





Position: Begin with elbow squeezing your side then bring forearms up to a right angle and palms facing forward. Now step toward the wall and press hands to the wall. Keep the hands planted on the wall with the elbow bent  and step feet back about a foot until the arms are straight.

Alignment: Hands are below armpit at 90 degree or right angle. Feet together, gaze forward and shoulder rolled back.

Effort: press knuckle on the wall and bend elbow at right angle. Shoulders are rolled back and stay back. Core and legs are tightened or engaged. Elbows are always hugging the side of the body.

Benefit: Strengthens shoulders, core, and arms. Improves posture.

Breath: 7 sets of breath


3)      SHOULDER STRETCH
        




Position: Imagine hugging the wall, hands are wide apart and cheeks are pressed on the wall. Palms against the wall.

Alignment: Your body looks like a capital T. Feet together.

Effort:  Begin on your right side turn, place left hand to your side then slowly turn your entire body to 90 degree or right angle. Then bring your body closer to the wall or at any point where your range of motion becomes limited and stay at that point. Listen to your body; it knows best.

Benefit: Stretches shoulders, hips and upper back.

Breath: 7 sets of breath
  

4)     SIDE STRETCH
              
    



 
         

Position: Right side, stand near a wall arm distance apart.  Raise left hand up toward the ceiling with palms facing the wall. Feet are in front of another. Arm that is on the wall is tightened or engaged.

Alignment: Feet stacked in front of one another. Hand that is pressing the wall and the feet is on top, shoulders height. Back straight, shoulders are rolled back. Be as relaxed as possible.

Effort:  This is a whole body movement stretch-- Right side is continuously in motion. Start by pulling your hips away from the wall; as you keep pulling, your right hand is aiming to reach the wall by your left side.  For more of a stretch, slowly and gently bend the left elbow.

Benefit:  Side, arm and hip stretch.

Breath:  7 sets of breath


5)     LIZARD /STANDING WALL TWIST
           




Position: Place a chair next to a wall and face the chair. Now place your side of your choosing against the wall, place hands on side palms pressed on hip. Place your foot closest to the wall on the chair and lean the entire leg and hip on the wall. Now slowly and gently turn your body towards the wall while keeping the bottom foot as it is. Avoid dropping the hips down by keeping hips on the same level. Then place your palms on the wall wider than shoulders for stability.

Repeat on the opposite side.

Alignment: Sides of your choosing if against the wall. Hips are square by leveling the hips. Whole front body is facing the wall and palms are pressed on the wall for balance.

Effort: It’s a twist action. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Benefit: Stretches shoulders, torso and hips. Strengthens the legs.


Breath: 7 sets of breath

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I recognize my true essence in every soul I meet. I am you, you are me, and we are one. 

<3 Namaste <3