The
past few weeks I have been torturing myself, most definitely self-sabotaging
because I have been on a frenzy of why the fuck do I people please. After
reading my friend and mentor Erin Lauvick
blog, I feel the need to express my sadness. I have been hating on myself
because I know what it’s like to be rejected and this is why I it’s difficult
for me to be so honest with anyone because I hate for them to feel the
rejection. The rejection I’ve felt my childhood. I didn’t fit in so I made
myself fit in the mold. The mold that I want meant to fit in at all.
I know I
have codependency issues and I have wanted to be rid of it for years. The worst
part of it is I don’t like to reach out to anyone because I am afraid of being
found out. Found out that I’m not this person that everyone sees me as.
Everything is a puzzle that’s put together but it’s not who I am. I know that
because I don’t even know who I really am. I’m the result of all my short
comings, my mistakes, my pains, my unlovable attitude but I also am the good I’ve
done, those people I’ve made laugh or smile and many more. If I can put those
in a cylinder shake they as hard as I can will all things that bad sink at the
bottom and everything will float or will it just drown me.
Just
because you’ve seen me at my best I don’t mean I will always be at my best. I
have my moment of despair and not everyone will show it but oh I will. Don’t take
it as my weakness because I’m showing my emotions. I don’t matter what emotions
you are showing it’s a part of you. Embrace the shit out of it because accepting
them can improve your life. It may take time because you will only BE when you
are ready to accept to grow. This is why I am having a hard time because it’s
hard for me to accept but accepting it means growing and learning.
I just
want to grow. I heard on the tv once “never change only grow” I’ve always aim
for growth but I can never get used to how this journey really is and feels. I
have so many demons inside me that I can’t even say things out loud not even to
myself. The feeling of shame and guilt just kills me so very softly and slowly.
It’s so
pathetic that I feel this way even at this age and I am tired of pleasing
people and hurting this way. I know I should always say what I feel because in
all honesty I’m hurting more, more than the person that should hear what I have
to say. I just don’t have the courage to hurt the person intentionally.
It’s
amazing that I can only recall one event in my life time that I fell apart
before this journey I am taking. It’s not clear as to why I was on the floor in
my bathroom crying. I just remember Jason in front of me saying nothing but
just being there. I don’t even remember if I even thank him for that night.
That was the last time I broke down badly.
Now
that I am in this journey – it’s a never ending roller coaster ride to
emotional and vulnerable feelings. It’s not that I’m ashamed to show others I’m
crying it’s just I don’t want to be seen.
When
others sees you as this joyful person or aggressive person and when others don’t
see you as that something is wrong. But it’s not always true because I like the
silence, the peace and the fact that my mind isn’t running a hundred miles a
minute wasting energy on something so minuscule and useless.
Dear
God guide me and keep me moving forward in this path you have for me for I know
that I will be better than where I am at right now. You keep blessing me with these wonderful
opportunities and lessons I must learn along the way. Give me the courage and resilience
to stand on my own belief and integrity.
Keep me grounded with all the chaos that goes on in me.
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