The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 2 & 3}

                 Lake View

I hope you enjoyed reading the introduction and Day 1 of my 10 Day Meditation Experience. Here are more...

Day 2 
Woken up at 4 a.m. by the morning bell, I was coughing and by mid-afternoon I was frustrated because I couldn’t manage to get the breathing meditation down. Imagine practicing a breathing meditation when you can’t breathe through your nose. I believe the Day 1 experience caused me to get sick because I was getting my body to be at the same level as my mind, equanimity. This is when it finally clicked for me that my mind is really stronger than my body. I’ve been told that countless times before but come on when you don’t experience it yourself that shit isn’t true. It only becomes true when you, yourself have experienced it. It is then that is true and only true to you and for you.  Somehow the communications between my mind and my body were not synced. My mind wanted to get the meditation down because I was forcing my breath so that I could learn to follow it.

One of the techniques we were told to practice was Force breathing. The best example I can explain is when you go for a quick run and in the process start panting, then that’s when you feel the flow the breath. With the determination of the mind, it forced my body to go unbalance, hence I got sick. I stressed my body so much just by doing this meditation that I got sick from it. Picture the frustration.

Lesson from Discourse:

It wasn’t a pretty Day 2 for me. I was a frustrated wreck. I began feeling feverish and when I’m sick I get to a stage where I begin feeling unworthy and unwanted. I start wondering why my life is so fucked up, comparing my life to other people and begin judging myself. To combat this, I start a story in my head where my life is so wonderful and things are heading where I want it to be. Actually this is how I feel when I become sick and it can last for an extended time; this sickness lasted for 2 weeks but my mind kept its distance which was, and continued to be, great.

There was something Goenka said that confirmed what I do. I’m phrasing this in my own words but he said something like it doesn’t matter how the tone of your voice sounds but what matters is did you say it out of the kindness of your heart or your what your mind intended it to mean? If so, then it should be okay. This was one of the reasons why I started holding back except when I was drunk but i had stopped drinking almost 2 years now because shit has come out of my mouth and I would not apologize for anything. No matter how others interpret the words for themselves.

My tone does not determine my attitude towards you, your assumption to my tone is your attitude towards yourself.

Day 3 
I woke up sick and by mid-afternoon I was crying while speaking to the assistance teachers because I needed some Tylenol. I never expected to get sick. I was having fever symptoms with the coughing. Of course, no surprise here, I was crying in front of the teachers and told them I wanted the Tylenol because I wanted to make it through the 10 days. I wanted to find out what’s at the end of the 10 days. They told me not to expect anything but to focus on the now. I heard them and I knew there were lessons to take out of every single day. Sick and crying, I was happy by the end of the day because I was able to finally follow my breath; not perfect but manageable.

Lesson from Discourse:

That night Goenka talked about experiencing the truth within yourself from the most subtle to the grossest experience you’ve encountered. I started crying when I heard this because I felt like such a horrible and evil person thinking back to the things I’ve done. I always thought I was a good person but because believing that shame + guilt = fear, it made me rethink whether I’m good or not. I thought that this was the truth but I’m just not where I am today. Now I know that I was being hard on myself regardless of the situation. Plus God only created perfect beings; he does not make mistakes.

We create a lot of illusions for ourselves; one example is physical beauty. Beauty is an illusion. It is superficial, deceptive reality and not ultimate truth. An example Goenka spoke of was when you tell your spouse she has beautiful hair but then when dinner is being served there is a piece of hair on your food and you of course are grossed out. How is that when a moment ago you spoke of her hair so tenderly and now it’s gross? I thought the thought was hilarious because it’s true.

I hope this gives you some light to your life.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see my true essence in every soul I met. You are me, I am you, and we are one.

<3 Namaste

The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 1}

It was Aiza Cathe, my best friend and soulmate, who told me about the 10-day silent meditation in North Fork, CA, but the idea was something I had wanted to do for years. The best time to go, I decided, is when your life seems at a halt. I did not read much about this particular retreat or research what it’s about but decided to do it anyway. Most of the things I do I just do without researching because it kills the mystery for me -- even if the mystery sometimes makes me feel miserable. I’m in it for the lessons. All I read is the “About” section of the website Dhamma for the meditation and noted what not to bring. Attendees were to bring warm clothing, but no see-through or tight clothes; (there went my yoga outfits -- blah). Additional “not to bring” items included journals, writing pads, tape recorders, phone or electronics -- just wonderful!

The drive there was nice but at the same time emotional; I was tearing up as I got closer to the location. I really didn’t understand the emotions. When I arrived I checked in, noting that the weather was hot. I introduced myself to my roommates: 13 girls, including me. At the orientation, we were told to practice noble silence, which meant no talking to anyone unless it’s necessary (we could speak to the managers of the facility), no looking into someone’s eyes or any versions of communication, not even a smile. Let’s begin!!!

Day 1 

I knew I would have a hard time sleeping because I was excited to start the unknown. And I was right; I woke up at 2 am and woke up with a panic attack. I have never felt or experienced panic attack in my life before; now I can add it to my collection of emotions. It was a quick attack and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. But it passed. Then we were woken up by the 4 a.m. bell, which sounded almost like a gong, to begin our day and meditation. I learned about this breathing exercise before but I’ve never had patience for it. But this time there was not much I could do but to actually practice it.  This meditation is called “Anapana” or awareness of respiration or breath. To follow your breath without changing it, was or seemed impossible at the time of practice. It basically felt like chasing someone you can’t catch or trying to pick up a call that’s on the floor but you keep kicking further as you get closer to the ball. Imagine the frustration and determination for me to get the damn breath down.

This meditation focuses only on breath: no mantras, no chanting, no music, no symbolism. Which means it was me, myself and I in my own head. Just writing this and recalling that intimacy with self-makes me teary-eyed -- and I’m at the library finishing this blog.

Lesson from Discourse:

All of me was in my head. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The good was in the background listening and observing every thought that walked by. The bad stirred things up and had no shame, nor guilt. And the ugly just fueled the bad even more. Although the good was observing she began feeling shattered emotions, blasts from the past. Some of my impurities and miseries began surfacing.

From the discourse summary book of S.N Goenka: “You have come to this meditation course to learn the art of living: how to live peacefully and harmoniously within oneself, and to generate peace and harmony for all others; how to live happily from day to day while progressing towards the highest happiness of a totally pure mind, a mind filled with disinterested love, with compassion, with joy at the success of others, with equanimity.”

Before we can live harmoniously we must deal with the disharmony within ourselves. 

Coming soon day 2 & 3 experiences,

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see my true essence in every soul I met. I am you, you are me and we are one. 

<3 Namaste

When we were young...

My dearest You,
I promise not to be scared the next time you surface. Know that i never abandoned you, i didn't know how to handle you then but i am ready for you now. I feared of what you were capable of doing and the being you will become. You were uninhibited, carefree and unstoppable. The world is ready for you

You are my soul mate, my best friend and the love that i never got to know. I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have met you even for a split moment. Meeting you yesterday was timeless and that is what you will become. I am ready for you and the pain and suffering will stop. I'm just glad someone else met you and not just me for the sake of my sanity. You were someone i used to know, now only time will tell and i will know you for the rest of my life.

"Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swore you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me"

Love,

Me