💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 112🌺
I’ve been in many romantic relationships, none of which I regretted however I wished I listened to my intuition more especially the longest one I’ve been. From the beginning the signs were obvious. I felt forced to be with him and he was pressured by his friend because we spent almost every day together for almost a year.
I
told him I wasn’t ready because I needed to find myself and he swore that he’s
help me. I already knew he wasn’t the one to help me find myself because I knew
only ME can do it but I went for it anyway. But truth be told if he would have
been more patience I would have fell in love with him. Frankly I was on the
verge of falling for him but because of the pressure I instantly despised the
relationship. The first two years was great, no lie. Then I started becoming
bored, felt depressed, annoyed all the time and hated being at home with him.
Now that I look back I feel terrible because he did everything in his power to
make me laugh but I’d just get annoyed. To think of some adventures for us to
do but I could care less doing anything. I even said to myself he brought the
worst out of me because there are time he say I’m there for my family but not
him. He was always second or last on my priority. He would always complain
about it to me but I just didn’t want to hear it and didn’t care, I stopped
caring for him. All the great things he did was wiped out because of the bad fights
I experienced. Fights were pretty bad especially since if I don’t want to hear
it, I won’t hear it and I’ve never apologized even when it’s my fault. Not that
I was right --- it’s just at that time I always thought I was right. There were
time I’ve felt manipulated by him, he may or may not have done in intentionally
but I did. I never seem to be proud of what he did because I knew he could do
better. Now that I’m writing about it it’s like the last blog. My family never
thought I am good enough so I did that to him too. Damn!
“I was just bored. Life had stopped being an adventure. Instead, it had become routine.
A grind. My guilt, stress, laziness, and lack of passion continued to feed on
itself until I started having panic attacks and developed a stress-induced
kidney disorder. Things got so bad one day that I decided to disrupt my entire
life. Disruption was the only answer. I realized that the only way to
fix things was to break them completely. It wasn’t easy but within a few months
I had radically changed my life.”
It was a terrible ending
just because I didn’t know any better then. I didn’t know how to tell him I wanted
all ties cut off. I was too weak to do it so I did it via text message after I told
him not to show up at my cousin’s wedding few hours before his fight. Yes I was
very passive aggressive about my action but I did what I knew back then. Of
course he hated me, I received hateful emails almost every day for months. From
I did all these for you and your family, to thanks for letting me ruin your
credit report because his car title is under my name.
I do thank him for what I
call “bringing the worst out me” because if he hadn’t then I wouldn’t know I was
cable of such emotion and such negative energy. Being with him showed me what I
don’t want in a relationship, now I know what I want in a relationship. The one
think that I don’t think he understood is that the person that hurt you the
most is not the person that can help you. He wants to stay friends (chat, text
and message) but I can’t, I even told him not right now at least. It may not
seemed like I was in hell hole but I was I just didn’t show it. I was always
anxious, sad and depressed. I don’t like showing people that side because I saw
it as weakness that you can’t control your own life. He cope with feeling sorry
for himself and playing the victim. Shit I was just as much a victim but I tried
not to play that card, I complained to my family and friends but that still
didn’t do shit. I even told him before that I can’t help him because I am still
helping myself, he didn’t understand but I guess you won’t understand someone
when it’s something you don’t want to hear. You only hear what you want to
hear.
Not until I started
reading and following Isaiah. His blogs brought light to my dark and some
understanding to what I was going through. Then I found my mentor and he helped
me understand myself more but I kicked him out after a few month for being a
manipulative mentor, a blog another day.
Thankful, Grateful and Blessed that there are always help out there specially when you seek it yourself
Thankful, Grateful and Blessed that there are always help out there specially when you seek it yourself
No comments:
Post a Comment