Avoid justifying wrongness

A few weeks ago I got into my head. I was taking a communication course and I didn't want to attend because I knew the answer to my insanity was in the course and when I finally sucked it up and went to class and behold I was fuckin right. The answers was there clear as day (well after i asked the supervisor to clear it up for me) and the most interesting part is that I was holding on to the wrong idea the whole time. I was wrong for thinking that the wrong intention was right; and the right thought of going to class was wrong. Basically, i was wrong at thinking i was right and right at thinking i was wrong. You want think you are right even you know its wrong, wrong because its hurtful to someone other than yourself. So I was holding on to all my wrongness the whole time. I was wrong for thinking I was right but I was right for thinking I was wrong. Thinking you are right and trying to justify it to be right even though you know it is wrong.

I cried on my mat

After being sick with the stomach flu for the first time for two days my body couldn't handle the pain. It was weak, intorrerable of movements, and the constant walk to the bathroom and the inconsistent chills my body felt that made my kneel on the floor the cried. Suited up with two jackets, sweats and two pairs of sucks and the 2 Tylenol, blankets and I was out.

I woke up to eat which I wanted to throw it up after but ate it anyway.

I woke up feeling fine this morning, I even had the energy to tidy up a bit. Then I had the urge to practice yoga. Once I stepped on my mat in child pose I began to cry or I should say bawled. I was crying while I began going through the Sun Salutation A and I managed to do 2 sets and back to child pose again all these while I was crying. I am not sure how I managed but I did. He loveliest part is that I don't know why I was crying. I guess the same when I'm happy for no reasons either.

Then I managed to sit in lotus in meditation for a bit probably not even a minute but I calm down. I met a lady last week and gave me a wonderful talk and somehow what she said stuck with me. Giving me the permission to do a pose for a few minutes on my mat. I guess it's the permission I had to give myself and not the excuses I've been giving myself. I will learn a lot from her. Namaste Jacki.

And the Logo that made it all alright.

{Part 3} 5 Yoga Poses to practice without looking stupid

After taking you through easy stretches and in hope that your flexibility has slightly improved since Part 2 of Yoga Poses to Practice Without Looking Stupid. In Part 3 we will be working on a few intermediate yoga poses. Even though I said intermediate trust me it’s easy: once again you will have the help of the wall. When you practice this consistently you will be able to do them without the wall and with correct alignment and postures.

Materials: Yoga block or book or a chair and wall.

Breath: Inhale and Exhale are considered as one set of breath.

1.  WARRIOR II {VIRABHADRASANA II}

                   

Position: Stand with your heels against the wall, spread your feet apart as wide as you can. Start with right side, pivot the pinky toe against the wall and bend the knee. Bring arms to shoulder level, turn head toward the bent knee.

Alignment: Right heel is aligned with the back arch of the opposite foot. Right knee and hip leans on the wall, knee and ankle are stacked together. Pull heart forward, engage core and press against the wall. Push through the outer edge of the back feet and tighten thigh. Then lengthen your shoulder by rolling it up back and down.

Benefit: Strengthens and stretches legs and ankles. Increases stamina. Good for sciatica stretch, flat feet, infertility and osteoporosis.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

2.  REVERSE WARRIOR {VIPARITA VIRABHADRASANA}

Position: Keeping the Warrior II position, glide your back hand to your back knee, thigh or hips, depending on your range of motion. Front follows as you reach up and lean back.

Alignment: Stay in the same alignment at Warrior II plus hips and shoulders are pressed against the wall, core engaged. Thumb is against the wall; keep your gaze up. If this strains the knee, look down.

Benefit: Lengthen and stretches the side body. Improves balance and mobility of spine.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

3.  WARRIOR III {VIRABHADRASANA III}

Position: Stand with your side by the wall. With a slight bend on the knees slowly lift your right leg up. At the same time extend and lengthen your torso forward and toward the floor. Clap your hand together; stretch and lengthen.

Alignment: Left foot is planted on the floor. Right leg, hips, torso, and arms are horizontally aligned. Biceps are pressed by the ears, back leg toes point towards the floor. Core and legs are flexed. Look at your toes

Benefit: Helps with balance. Strengthens legs, back and ankle.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

4.       HALF MOON {ARDHA CANDRASANA}

Position: Stay in the Warrior III position. Slowly lower left hand to the floor using the wall as a support, use a yoga block or chair. Right hand glides up parallel to the opposite hand.

Alignment: Left foot planted on the floor. Press shoulder, back, butt, arms and leg against the wall. Flex the entire body for more support.

Benefit: Helps with lower back pain. Strengthens back, legs, hips and abdomen. Increases flexibility of spinal muscles. Eases premenstrual pressure.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

5.   EXTENDED SIDE TRIANGLE {UTTHITA TRIKONASANA}

Position: Stand against the wall in the Tadasana pose from Part 1. Stand with heels against the wall. Separate feet apart as wide as you can. Start with the right side, pivot the pinky toe against the wall. Both legs are kept straight. Arms are extended shoulder level. Slowly glide right hand down to your chin while aligned with the other hand.

Alignment: Right pinky toe and back heel are pressed against the wall. Lean shoulder, back, butt, arms and leg on the wall. Flex the entire body for more support.

Benefit: Helps relieve stress and anxiety; improves digestion; stretches the hips, groins, hamstrings and calves.

Breath: Hold for 5 sets of breath. Repeat on the other side.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I recognize my true essence in every soul I meet. I am you, you are me, and we are one. 
<3 Namaste <3

Self-sabotaging Phase of Life

The past few weeks I have been torturing myself, most definitely self-sabotaging because I have been on a frenzy of why the fuck do I people please. After reading my friend and mentor Erin Lauvick blog, I feel the need to express my sadness. I have been hating on myself because I know what it’s like to be rejected and this is why I it’s difficult for me to be so honest with anyone because I hate for them to feel the rejection. The rejection I’ve felt my childhood. I didn’t fit in so I made myself fit in the mold. The mold that I want meant to fit in at all.

I know I have codependency issues and I have wanted to be rid of it for years. The worst part of it is I don’t like to reach out to anyone because I am afraid of being found out. Found out that I’m not this person that everyone sees me as. Everything is a puzzle that’s put together but it’s not who I am. I know that because I don’t even know who I really am. I’m the result of all my short comings, my mistakes, my pains, my unlovable attitude but I also am the good I’ve done, those people I’ve made laugh or smile and many more. If I can put those in a cylinder shake they as hard as I can will all things that bad sink at the bottom and everything will float or will it just drown me.

Just because you’ve seen me at my best I don’t mean I will always be at my best. I have my moment of despair and not everyone will show it but oh I will. Don’t take it as my weakness because I’m showing my emotions. I don’t matter what emotions you are showing it’s a part of you. Embrace the shit out of it because accepting them can improve your life. It may take time because you will only BE when you are ready to accept to grow. This is why I am having a hard time because it’s hard for me to accept but accepting it means growing and learning.

I just want to grow. I heard on the tv once “never change only grow” I’ve always aim for growth but I can never get used to how this journey really is and feels. I have so many demons inside me that I can’t even say things out loud not even to myself. The feeling of shame and guilt just kills me so very softly and slowly.

It’s so pathetic that I feel this way even at this age and I am tired of pleasing people and hurting this way. I know I should always say what I feel because in all honesty I’m hurting more, more than the person that should hear what I have to say. I just don’t have the courage to hurt the person intentionally.

It’s amazing that I can only recall one event in my life time that I fell apart before this journey I am taking. It’s not clear as to why I was on the floor in my bathroom crying. I just remember Jason in front of me saying nothing but just being there. I don’t even remember if I even thank him for that night. That was the last time I broke down badly.

Now that I am in this journey – it’s a never ending roller coaster ride to emotional and vulnerable feelings. It’s not that I’m ashamed to show others I’m crying it’s just I don’t want to be seen.

When others sees you as this joyful person or aggressive person and when others don’t see you as that something is wrong. But it’s not always true because I like the silence, the peace and the fact that my mind isn’t running a hundred miles a minute wasting energy on something so minuscule and useless.

Dear God guide me and keep me moving forward in this path you have for me for I know that I will be better than where I am at right now.  You keep blessing me with these wonderful opportunities and lessons I must learn along the way. Give me the courage and resilience to stand on my own belief and integrity.  Keep me grounded with all the chaos that goes on in me. 

Transitions

This year has been a lot to handle transition after transition after transition. If you're looking from the outside my life may seem troublesome that's because I'm fighting demon within me. It’s eating me from the inside out.