The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 6}

From reading this experience of mine, I hope you are enjoying the read and have inspired you to begin your own meditation practice.

Day 6

I woke up feeling dizzy and defeated, but yet cheerful – odd, I know. I had been feeling dizzy and nauseated since day 5. I thought I was getting sick again or something was definitely wrong with me that I may need to be hospitalized (goodness, that sounds dramatic). I honestly don’t know which was worse not being able to breathe during meditation on day 2 because of sickness or meditating while feeling dizzy and nauseated all day long. I had to learn to adjust to the changes in how I felt from days 2 to 6. My focus was the comparison of those distinctly different feelings.

I didn’t have much to eat all day because of my preoccupation with how I felt. I had to force myself to eat so I would have some kind of energy throughout the day. However, day 6 was absolutely my favorite day thus far because by mid-afternoon -- viola -- God graced His presence upon me. I was finally able to meditate: I sat for an hour with slight movement and flowed with my breath. I felt victoriously joyful and liberated while tearfully blissful for being able to accomplish Vipassana Meditation. The best way I can explain the sensations are lightness: the entirety of my surroundings were bright, my body was slightly warm all over and I was moving gracefully. My mind was clear from monkey mind chatter and I felt like I was glowing. Coincidentally, was I was wearing a Rocky T-shirt featuring the scene after his run up to the monument where he had his arms up like he’d won.

That’s how I felt.

Lesson from Discourse:

The one thing that stuck out during his sermon was that you can love your mate so deeply but still be detached. In past relationships, my experience has been that you will lose yourself being with someone. Don’t get me wrong, I learned from a few and the rest I was left hanging. All of these were my fault for sure because each time I let myself get lost. That’s what happens when you put others before yourself because of craving and aversion of bad habits. The sensations of pleasant and unpleasant were my choice of suffering without any understanding of my emotions.

Each and every time, I enjoyed being with someone thinking that each of those past men at their time were the ONE. Those were the pleasant moments, the ones where I thought that this time, it could be love. I was blinded by all the cravings, aversion, the mental and physical depletion, and self-doubts. Truth be told I thought those were normal outcomes all the freaking time as well as the consequences I’ve put myself through. Now looking back, I laugh at myself for putting myself in those situations. I was very naive and inexperienced in the beautiful struggle of life; others can be cruel with no empathy nor compassion for others. I thought everyone has those mental and emotional depletions too; I was wrong.

As Wayne Dyer said: “Work at being content with who you are, rather than pleasing others by being inauthentic. Say to yourself, ‘I am what I am, and it is okay as long as I am not hurting anyone else in the process.’ “

You don’t have to apologize for anything or anyone. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for anything that you are.

Craving is a fire that will keep on burning, no matter what fuels it. It takes you away from being peaceful. By learning to be aware of all the feelings within and to remain equanimous towards them, only then you can stop the fire before it starts again. Then and only then you can come out of misery.

The Divine in me honors the Divine in You. I recognize my true essence in every soul I meet. I am you, you are me and we are one.

The Power of Breath & Silence, my 10 Day Meditation Experience {Day 2 & 3}

                 Lake View

I hope you enjoyed reading the introduction and Day 1 of my 10 Day Meditation Experience. Here are more...

Day 2 
Woken up at 4 a.m. by the morning bell, I was coughing and by mid-afternoon I was frustrated because I couldn’t manage to get the breathing meditation down. Imagine practicing a breathing meditation when you can’t breathe through your nose. I believe the Day 1 experience caused me to get sick because I was getting my body to be at the same level as my mind, equanimity. This is when it finally clicked for me that my mind is really stronger than my body. I’ve been told that countless times before but come on when you don’t experience it yourself that shit isn’t true. It only becomes true when you, yourself have experienced it. It is then that is true and only true to you and for you.  Somehow the communications between my mind and my body were not synced. My mind wanted to get the meditation down because I was forcing my breath so that I could learn to follow it.

One of the techniques we were told to practice was Force breathing. The best example I can explain is when you go for a quick run and in the process start panting, then that’s when you feel the flow the breath. With the determination of the mind, it forced my body to go unbalance, hence I got sick. I stressed my body so much just by doing this meditation that I got sick from it. Picture the frustration.

Lesson from Discourse:

It wasn’t a pretty Day 2 for me. I was a frustrated wreck. I began feeling feverish and when I’m sick I get to a stage where I begin feeling unworthy and unwanted. I start wondering why my life is so fucked up, comparing my life to other people and begin judging myself. To combat this, I start a story in my head where my life is so wonderful and things are heading where I want it to be. Actually this is how I feel when I become sick and it can last for an extended time; this sickness lasted for 2 weeks but my mind kept its distance which was, and continued to be, great.

There was something Goenka said that confirmed what I do. I’m phrasing this in my own words but he said something like it doesn’t matter how the tone of your voice sounds but what matters is did you say it out of the kindness of your heart or your what your mind intended it to mean? If so, then it should be okay. This was one of the reasons why I started holding back except when I was drunk but i had stopped drinking almost 2 years now because shit has come out of my mouth and I would not apologize for anything. No matter how others interpret the words for themselves.

My tone does not determine my attitude towards you, your assumption to my tone is your attitude towards yourself.

Day 3 
I woke up sick and by mid-afternoon I was crying while speaking to the assistance teachers because I needed some Tylenol. I never expected to get sick. I was having fever symptoms with the coughing. Of course, no surprise here, I was crying in front of the teachers and told them I wanted the Tylenol because I wanted to make it through the 10 days. I wanted to find out what’s at the end of the 10 days. They told me not to expect anything but to focus on the now. I heard them and I knew there were lessons to take out of every single day. Sick and crying, I was happy by the end of the day because I was able to finally follow my breath; not perfect but manageable.

Lesson from Discourse:

That night Goenka talked about experiencing the truth within yourself from the most subtle to the grossest experience you’ve encountered. I started crying when I heard this because I felt like such a horrible and evil person thinking back to the things I’ve done. I always thought I was a good person but because believing that shame + guilt = fear, it made me rethink whether I’m good or not. I thought that this was the truth but I’m just not where I am today. Now I know that I was being hard on myself regardless of the situation. Plus God only created perfect beings; he does not make mistakes.

We create a lot of illusions for ourselves; one example is physical beauty. Beauty is an illusion. It is superficial, deceptive reality and not ultimate truth. An example Goenka spoke of was when you tell your spouse she has beautiful hair but then when dinner is being served there is a piece of hair on your food and you of course are grossed out. How is that when a moment ago you spoke of her hair so tenderly and now it’s gross? I thought the thought was hilarious because it’s true.

I hope this gives you some light to your life.

The divine in me honors the divine in you. I see my true essence in every soul I met. You are me, I am you, and we are one.

<3 Namaste

Avoid justifying wrongness

A few weeks ago I got into my head. I was taking a communication course and I didn't want to attend because I knew the answer to my insanity was in the course and when I finally sucked it up and went to class and behold I was fuckin right. The answers was there clear as day (well after i asked the supervisor to clear it up for me) and the most interesting part is that I was holding on to the wrong idea the whole time. I was wrong for thinking that the wrong intention was right; and the right thought of going to class was wrong. Basically, i was wrong at thinking i was right and right at thinking i was wrong. You want think you are right even you know its wrong, wrong because its hurtful to someone other than yourself. So I was holding on to all my wrongness the whole time. I was wrong for thinking I was right but I was right for thinking I was wrong. Thinking you are right and trying to justify it to be right even though you know it is wrong.