No Regrets

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 112🌺 

I’ve been in many romantic relationships, none of which I regretted however I wished I listened to my intuition more especially the longest one I’ve been. From the beginning the signs were obvious. I felt forced to be with him and he was pressured by his friend because we spent almost every day together for almost a year.

I told him I wasn’t ready because I needed to find myself and he swore that he’s help me. I already knew he wasn’t the one to help me find myself because I knew only ME can do it but I went for it anyway. But truth be told if he would have been more patience I would have fell in love with him. Frankly I was on the verge of falling for him but because of the pressure I instantly despised the relationship. The first two years was great, no lie. Then I started becoming bored, felt depressed, annoyed all the time and hated being at home with him. Now that I look back I feel terrible because he did everything in his power to make me laugh but I’d just get annoyed. To think of some adventures for us to do but I could care less doing anything. I even said to myself he brought the worst out of me because there are time he say I’m there for my family but not him. He was always second or last on my priority. He would always complain about it to me but I just didn’t want to hear it and didn’t care, I stopped caring for him. All the great things he did was wiped out because of the bad fights I experienced. Fights were pretty bad especially since if I don’t want to hear it, I won’t hear it and I’ve never apologized even when it’s my fault. Not that I was right --- it’s just at that time I always thought I was right. There were time I’ve felt manipulated by him, he may or may not have done in intentionally but I did. I never seem to be proud of what he did because I knew he could do better. Now that I’m writing about it it’s like the last blog. My family never thought I am good enough so I did that to him too. Damn!

“I was just bored. Life had stopped being an adventure. Instead, it had become routine. A grind. My guilt, stress, laziness, and lack of passion continued to feed on itself until I started having panic attacks and developed a stress-induced kidney disorder. Things got so bad one day that I decided to disrupt my entire life. Disruption was the only answer. I realized that the only way to fix things was to break them completely. It wasn’t easy but within a few months I had radically changed my life.”

It was a terrible ending just because I didn’t know any better then. I didn’t know how to tell him I wanted all ties cut off. I was too weak to do it so I did it via text message after I told him not to show up at my cousin’s wedding few hours before his fight. Yes I was very passive aggressive about my action but I did what I knew back then. Of course he hated me, I received hateful emails almost every day for months. From I did all these for you and your family, to thanks for letting me ruin your credit report because his car title is under my name.

I do thank him for what I call “bringing the worst out me” because if he hadn’t then I wouldn’t know I was cable of such emotion and such negative energy. Being with him showed me what I don’t want in a relationship, now I know what I want in a relationship. The one think that I don’t think he understood is that the person that hurt you the most is not the person that can help you. He wants to stay friends (chat, text and message) but I can’t, I even told him not right now at least. It may not seemed like I was in hell hole but I was I just didn’t show it. I was always anxious, sad and depressed. I don’t like showing people that side because I saw it as weakness that you can’t control your own life. He cope with feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. Shit I was just as much a victim but I tried not to play that card, I complained to my family and friends but that still didn’t do shit. I even told him before that I can’t help him because I am still helping myself, he didn’t understand but I guess you won’t understand someone when it’s something you don’t want to hear. You only hear what you want to hear.

Not until I started reading and following Isaiah. His blogs brought light to my dark and some understanding to what I was going through. Then I found my mentor and he helped me understand myself more but I kicked him out after a few month for being a manipulative mentor, a blog another day. 

Thankful, Grateful and Blessed that there are always help out there specially when you seek it yourself

http://www.isaiahhankel.com/how-to-overcome-a-boring-life-and-be-more-adventurous

Optical Illusions

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 111🌺 

I meet a new friend over Thanksgiving weekend, how appropriate. We’ve had conversations about of consistent and self-worth. The two aspects that I have trouble accepting. It maybe because since I was a kid I’ve been told that being prideful of yourself is not a good thing. It’s like letting your ego do whatever it wants but as I ponder and realize how my life been, it has nothing to do with ego but it has everything to do with how well you feel good about your accomplishments from tiny to gargantuous.

I believe that it won’t be true for me till I’ve reach the triune truth. As a philosopher would say not true for you until it is true in thought, words and deed or from a physiatrist - super-conscious, conscious and subconscious  or from a spiritualist/New Body – mind body and spirit. So from the looks of it I have sometime before I can actually feel that self-worthy in full effect. There are some aspect of my life that I know my worth, it seem as though it’s on my goals and dream that I struggle from. And this is why my Yoga motto for my soon to be practice is Start Unknown End Define the beautiful struggle of life. However it depends on what side of spectrum you are looking in the Unknown can be the struggle or the Define.

The Unknown is the future and we are not certain of what it will be. However its the decision we make and actions we take is how the future will be shaped. I am terrified of what the future will bring me because i can't predict it. All i have is faith and believe that i can do and put the hard work to pursue my dreams and goals. It may not be a quick as other have done but i am doing it at my pace, slow and steady. We all have the potential to do well and to pursue our dream of becoming successful. Whatever your definition of success maybe - happiness, wealth, health, family etc... Put in the hard work and make it happen.

The Define is our past and we let it describe us or what other sees you and what you have done. Which is true, I’ve done many things in my life that I’ve been define of from by my family and that is what I am to them. And I am okay with it because they only see what they want to see. All the stupid and random shit I did in my past none that I regretted because what i did are things I made me happy and or sad at that moment and it t made me stronger today. I come from a dysfunctional family and its one of the reason why i left Hawaii because i didn't want what i saw and experienced. I wanted something different for myself and my future family. And here i am now.

Then there is both Unknown and Define where we become complacent with what we have and complain how shitty our life has become. It’s because we don't want to put in the work and I think we are used to living in our comfort zone because it’s all we've known. Working hard and staying in our comfort zone are the same energy we put on, it just depends which we want to feed. The negativity, comfort zone or positive, outside of your comfort zone.

Like an optical illusions you either see one side first, then see both at the same time or you don’t see an image at all. It’s what you see/feel that you perceive and the way you perceive things and if you don’t see it then it does not exist, out of state out of mind.

Thankful, Grateful and Blessed to have new friends to talk to and help you shape what you'll become.

Grained another best friend

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 110🌺 

Catching up on blogging and my Gratitude. In my culture, family aren’t very supportive of family. They either tell you you’re doing terrible, strive harder, relative competing with relatives, someone always has to be above and everyone else must be below and what you do is ever enough or relatives being jealous of relatives. This is how my upbringing has been. Nothing is ever good enough or I’m just not good enough. And this is where my growth struggle because I know for a fact that I’ve done a lot of growing this year but somehow it’s not good enough. I feel like I can do more without feeling burnt out or exhausted.I struggled throughout my college career even in grad school which I withdrew after a semester even though it was the best grade I’ve ever had. Not because I couldn’t do it but because I could not handle working full time, going to school full time in an accelerated program, being in a relationship that no longer served me and depressed at the same time and learning to cope with my dyslexia during school. These brought major stressed in my body, mind and soul. I give kudos to those who have overcome obstacles in their life because I know the hard work that they must do.Back to family - being unwanted and feeling unwanted from my own family was the worst experienced I’ve endured. Till this day I still don’t know why i was so disliked. But the one person I could count on was the one person I haven’t seen in two decades. This person has given me more motivation and inspiration in the past few months since I’ve seen her. She and I were great friend since we were kids, my business partners and partner in crime. She’s endured more than I have because she pursued her own success and she did it all on her own. She has a wonderful loving and crazy family which I love dearly.Few things I love about her:1.      She does not complete with me
2.      She is sincere in wanting me to succeed in my life goals and dream
3.      She’s always watching out for me
4.      She feeds me lol
5.      She’s willing to help me
6.      She’s a go getter
7.      She’s always perky and up beat
She came at the right time in my life because for years we’ve been planning to meet but it wasn’t working out. This weekend my brother and his girlfriend and myself spend Thanksgiving weekend with her family. It was a blast.I am Thankful, Grateful and Blessed to have her in my life. I did not only gained a sister, a family and a best friend.

#Fear2Fearless the #StruggleIs4real

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 108🌺 11.04.15 It insane how we let other gets the best of us.  Its not the other person's fault but it is yours because you let someone get the best of you. We never take responsibilities for own action. And it's easier to blame someone our misery because we never see yourself as villains in our own story we are always the hero that plays the victim. It most definitely helps when you have a dream and goals to work on because everything else disappears. I was very weak few months ago but now i am much stronger than before and i have a new view of things. I know when to put myself first now, it was hard at first and i'm getting to hang of it. I still have much work to do, slowly but surely. 

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 109🌺 11.05.15 I am very surprise on how cheerful i am today because of what happened with something stupid i did way back. I can't judge myself for it because i just have too much trust on other and i see the best in the worst of others. But at the same time others has brought the worst of me but again that's not on them but on me for being too weak. Today is my Day 2 of my #Fear2Fearless the #StruggleIs4real and i am very much happy about it. All I have to do is for a month i will practice my weak pose such ash headstand, forearm stand and hand stand etc...This will give me the opportunity to become more confident on these posture and in life. I associate all my yoga poses weakness to my life. It may sounds crazy but it just does. i can't explain it in words.

Thankful, Grateful and Blessed for everything that happened because there's only lesson to be learned from these days. There no such thing as good or bad. Its the energy that you put on it. Without these obsolete i will not have my experiences and i would not be this grateful.

Catching Up

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 105🌺 11.01.15
I ended up staying over my cousin's house and since I haven't seen her in months it was wonderful catching up and passing out candies to children. She took me to her church in the morning. It was a great mass and educational gospel. One thing that stood out was about leaving your comfort zone and living simply. We become so comfortable at where we are and not realized the great things we accomplished in life. There a much complains about how things done work out the way we want it or when it rains it pours but that's because you don't want to get away from the old habits. The old habits of thinking and no actions are ever taken. It has been said that when you don't take action of your goals it's just a day dream. It takes courage to get out of the situations we're used to. Hard work must be put to action and don't give up- be persistent. Success is just around the corner, may it be small or big.

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 106🌺 11.02.15
I took a while to get a morning routine after my big move. The body couldn't handle the change but interestingly enough i am okay with changes. I'm back to my morning yoga and meditation practice and i even started taking the bus. And I am loving it.

💛365 days of Gratitude 🙏 Day 107🌺 11.03.15
These past few day I've been feeling odd. It feels like i have not accomplished much this year. But today i had my weekly talk with a friend whose been helping me with my goals. She brought to my attention to write down everything i have accomplished till now. Just by thinking about it, it definitely helped me and so did she. i am still hard on myself because even the smallest task that i finished i just not enough for me. But the smallest task can get me to my bigger goals. Hard work is most definitely tough but it don't mean i am about to give up.

Thankful, Grateful and Blessed that no matter how hard things will get there are always way for the universe to send you what you need especially when you ask for it.